BathTub Orgasm
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
i see you all the time you work at the record store i get my seven
inches there and i can't help but stare i pay with pennies so i can
spend some time with you i leave so many hints you're so oblivious
or maybe you're just speechless you ain't seen nothing yet b-b-b-baby
you'll be stuttering when i get wet and every time i speak it's like
david mamet punched you in the stomach 'cause anything can happen
in the bathroom don't forget to lock the door you can be my BTO and
i'll just be the weirdo at your store you can get me water logged
and i'll just keep on screaming out for more you can be my BTO and
i'll just be the weirdo at your store you are my favorite mime down
at the record store behind the cash register you won't offer me help
you're so oblivious you're taking care of business yeah, i'll take
care of myself ready or not i will take things into my own hands and
i'll let it ride put it overdrive and you'll be working overtime and
every time i speak it's just like hal hartley kicked you in the kidneys...i
left you an erotic note it's in miscellaneous F hidden in the inner
sleeve of hocus pocus by focus...you don't talk to much!
Bed and Breakfast
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
let's get to business because nothing is as awkward as small talk
(i'm not made of margarine) you were pretty thorough but you didn't
let me in on the subplot (i didn't know how to say no) and then you
kind of mumbled, i'm paraphrasing now, but it was something like (you
can't fight city hall) love's a one way road but it goes both ways
when you break the law (it doesn't make sense but) but i'm not made
of butter good cop bad cop stereotype top i could have you tossed
into jail if i wanted to i'm not made of butter baby and you would
get 35 cents for a phone call turn the tables i'm not weak (i'm on
my knees but) i'm not weak in the knees i know what's in store it's
a formula worthy of a sequel (i'm not made of margarine) i may be
a bottom but i wanna be treated as an equal (i think that it's curtains
for you) you can't buy love with a three egg omelet and a dose of
juice (let's make a toast to me) i'm gonna write my congressman and
maybe she can pass a law about you...there aren't enough bail bonds
to get you out of this one...
the Bee's Knees
(from "Sophomore Slump" (2001) and "More
Songs About Cars and Body Parts" (1998))
spilled on red creek cobblestone ('cause my knees 'cause my knees
hurt knees hurt) 15 seconds alone oh you said that i'm ok the most
coolest thing that i ever heard someone say devon almost smiled at
me today you saw me tear my favorite pants you said i'm fine and i
said thanks oh i'm so olive green and you're the coolest thing that
i've ever seen...oh we're far beyond the "hi how are you"s
we're almost one in biker shorts shoulder straps water bottles duffel
bags because my knees hurt...
Chicken Shit
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
you're such a hypocrite and i feel like an idiot a note in an envelope
and i took you for your word and now i am really pissed and you're
on my shit list a foul and a first hand account of a terrorist and
a flirt you're all blue blood just like a spoiled child and one year
from now this haiku will be all that is left of you for one half an
hour you'll be a satellite and three years from now you'll still be
at nadine's wedding shower and now i know all the dirt and you are
like sun burn sold out i'm a blabber mouth tell your dim wit terrorist
that i'm so legitimate and you're just a chicken shit cut up by all
of the shards of your broken promises you slept with the guy with
the side effects you're all chewed up just like a piece of gum and
one year from now this cartoon will be all that is left of you for
one half an hour you'll be a satellite and four years from now you'll
still be at nadine's baby shower and you will mark my words you're
so inconsiderate a bona fide hypocrite and you're just a chicken shit!
Cold Turkey
(from "The Best of Bitesize", released in 1999)
she sat next to me in the waiting room i had the common cold she had
a stomach flu i was reading time when she turned my way and she said
that my breath smelled like an ashtray i need a cigarette and a blanket
she's like a monster she wanted me to quit like that i really want
her she wanted me to quit like thatand then she handed me her hanky
and a nicotine patch (she's so in particular) i was reading time when
she started to flirt she grabbed the pack from the front pocket of
my shirt threw it in her purse and then she asked me to quit and i
said that it was more than just a habit...she wanted me she wanted
me dead...and now i'm alone my nicotine patch was no match for the
common cold.
Crash
Course
(from "The Best of Bitesize", released in 1999)
midgets in their pant suits idiots in sweatshirts glamour in the airport
knock you down it's time for a crash course run around the concourse
scream until your voice hurts knock you down take a look at my head
gear take a look at my neck brace take a look at my breast plate take
a look at my head gear knock you down!the honor roll students so completely
clueless sleepy in st. louis knock you down miniature and fragile
and running like cattle shoe-string tackle knock you down...
Double Knots
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
i'm as stiff as a bullet proof vest (it's a quarter after eight) i
sit at the bar like i'm sitting at a desk (i’m on time and you
are late) perhaps i'll bury my face in a book (it is sixteen after
eight) but that might make me look like a crook (we're just friends
it's not a date) i double knot my laces and double check my locks
and i always set my wrist watch seven minutes fast i double check
my locks and i double knot my sneakers and i set all my time pieces
seven minutes fast perhaps a sip of alcohol (it is eighteen after
eight) maybe that might calm me down (you are fashionably late) i
think i'll order a jack and coke (it is nineteen after eight) but
that might make me look like a crook (we're just friends it's not
a date)...my stomach's in double knots oh no it's not we're just friends
it's not a date...it's twenty after eight you are very very late how
much longer do i wait because i'm halfway done my drink and i'm halfway
done my book and i wait and i look like a crook!
Father Figure
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
i've waited all of my life for this moment and you had to ruin it
a spy at the oakland coliseum you're sneaking around like a common
tarantula disguised as a guy in a concert t-shirt just two rows ahead
of me does that make me paranoid no i don't want to lose my cool and
you're so heavy heavy heavy metal and i scream (i am not raving mad)
like ozzy (you're not my heavy metal dad) don't water me down i am
not down! crazy, but that's how it goes when a familiar figure pumps
his fist in the air like a two hundred pound stalk of asparagus it's
quite hilarious but i'm too embarrassed to laugh and when they ask
"is that your dad?" i'll have to say "no, he kind of
looks like him, though"...heavy metalhead you're not my dad!
Greta Garbo
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
you look like greta garbo i want to kiss your elbow you look like
greta garbo i'm no john gilbert but i could play his part and i could
be your leading man or your supporting actor friend or i could be
the camera man or maybe even your stage hand you look like greta garbo
i want to kiss your elbow you're elbows are akimbo i'll keep this
simple and love you from afar...you could be my margaret thatcher
and i'll be your pinochet you can loan my lots of money if i promise
to behave...
Hand Wash Cold
(from "The Best of Bitesize", released in 1999)
i really got your goat i'm not a mathematician and you're not a very
good sport where are the others at i wasn't the only one there it's
just a twenty dollar coat and now it looks like a dumpling and you
want to take me to courtdown at the laundromat i wasn't the only one
there in the basement i wasn't the only one there by there air venti
wasn't the only one there in the kitchenette (remember/memory) and
you were foaming at the knees and i'm of the opinion that i'm not
the reason you called where were the others at i wasn't the only one
there i've made a mess to say the least and your substitute t-shirt
was two sizes way too small down at the laundromat i wasn't the only
one there by the night stand i wasn't the only one there by the ottoman
i wasn't the only one there wearing condiments...dress you up just
like a sandwich...by the air duct playing catch up...
Headache Baby Yeah!
(from "More Songs About Cars and Body Parts", released in
1998)
i had a bottle of asprin in my medicine cabinet one hundred tablets
and now they’re all gone and now i feel cheated (sure i ate all
your pills but it's no big deal i'll give you two dollars so you can
buy another bottle there’s no excuse for acting really petty
you're so pathetic you're giving me a headache) you hate me (no i
don't) you hate me (shut the fuck up!) you say: "what difference
does it make who ate the bottle of asprin" but this is only the
tip of the iceberg it's the straw that broke my spine cause it's mine
mine mine (you know i never said that so take it back you're giving
me a headache, yeah you're giving me a headache, baby) i had a bottle
of asprin that was totally eaten by someone i trusted and now they’re
all gone…
Hit H
(from "The Best of Bitesize", released in 1999)
you step inside my favorite elevator and you drop your bag just like
it was an anchor and you press H and i wonder what that stands for
just hit H and you'll hang with me a while i never see you smile just
hit H and you'll hang with me a while we'll share a cell for another
thousand miles so long (i'm not going up) so long (hit emergency stop)
i'm so glad that i didn't take the staircase you stare at the floor
and i stare at your suitcase and i get off at 2 and then you get off
at H...
I Forgot My Mantra
(from "The Best of Bitesize", released in 1999)
there are things that i'd like to say but i don't know how there are
things that i'd like to do but not right nowi just saw a movie that
i really liked but i don't want to do a movie bit i just heard a joke
that i like a lot but i forget and if you think a lot you think you
know and if you drink a lot you're really drunk and if you think you
suck you really suck and when you're hot you're hot i'm a hermaphrodite
but that's beside the point i have friends who are kind of obnoxious
but once you get to know them they're OK i do secret things when i'm
alone in my room but exactly what i will not say there are things
that i often do in public but they're embarrassing i do secret things
when i'm alone in my room because i'm into that thing...
I Killed Sting
(compilation release, now available on expanded "More Songs About Cars and Body Parts")
i guess you call it homicide if so than i'm guilty as charged and i will live my life at large because i killed sting i have to admit i like outlandos d'amour only because of the drums and guitar work but what the fuck was up with those pretentious album titles sting can go suck my zenyatta mondatta call the police i killed sting he didn't feel a thing i stabbed him in the lung while he was doing yoga i asked him if it stung he just grunted like abe vigoda roxanne was an decent song even though his lyrics are so dumb he would throw words like mephistopheles into songs for no apparent reason 1, 2, 3 i killed sting it was as easy to learn as my A, B, C's he didn't fight back because everybody knows that rock stars can't act i killed sting like the kwisatz haderach call the police i killed sting he didn't feel a thing he sang that stupid song with rod stewart and bryan adams he deserved to die just like rod stewart and bryan adams i killed sting because i was jealous he is so much smarter than the rest of us you and me are just mere mortals and sting used to be a high school english teacher he's so well read (now he's dead!)
In the Know
(from "More Songs About Cars and Body Parts", released in
1998)
as you drove through illinois i was super paranoid sneaking out of
our garage head to toe in camouflage but no! i’m never gonna
let you know while you we’re pumping gasoline i spent a day in
quarantine writing run-on paragraphs in the bedroom aftermath but
no! i’m never gonna let you know your toothpaste your mouthwash
your hairbrush your dental floss your washcloth your lotion your saline solution
all of your stuff is staring back at me it makes me feel guilty but
i’m not gonna crack…
Inhospitable
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
i swear to god that i'm okay please tell the nurses to go away did
i let you down (flyboy can you save me) i'm sorry i can't help you
now because i tripped and fell and now i'm stuck here in the hospital
(where did you go?) i'll play a game of solitaire i used to be synonymous
with air...i'll watch a little daytime tv and then it's lunch at 12:30
and then i'll read a magazine and then it's dinner at 5:30 and my
arch enemies have gone awry two million people will probably die and
none of the doctors seem to give a fuck and me i'm stuck in the hospital...
Jump Start
(from "More Songs About Cars and Body Parts", released in
1998)
you're like a jack pot you need a jump start you're such a sweet heart
i really mean that you're like a magnet like a 10 gallon hat you've
got those things in you head just don't give me flack cut me some
slack don't give me crap like a taxi cab taxi cab don't give me crap
don't give me crap you're like a jack pot you need a jump start so
let's chit chat i really mean that…
Lunchdate
(from "Demo Numero Uno", released in 1997)
this menu is so overrated and you're knocking things over cause you're
so animated and I sit there like a head of lettuce you can try to
twist my arm but i am ambidextrous i'll let you know i'm not that
interested in your ideas but don't take it personal it's wonderful
and i mean it but it's not my cup of tea so don't get hysterical i
know that you're full of opinions but i ate me meal and it wasn't
delicious you can scribble it down on the back of a napkin but it's
not gonna happen, it's never gonna happen i'll let you know...
Pet X
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
don't tell me that you have an alibi a helpless shellfish is no match
for you i hope you're happy now that your belly's full my new friend
has seven tentacles i know that your brain is the size of a walnut
but you know better than to get caught i know that your fuse is as
short as a crew cut but jealousy does not become you i don't see why
you're so set on revenge the two of you are like apples and oranges
my new tank is not an obstacle my new pet is no longer an octopus...
Pre-med
(from "Sophomore Slump" (2001) and "Demo Numero Uno"
(1997))
and i showed up at your door with my superego and you took a look
at my portfolio and then you got mad when i had said that i had had
narcoleptic feelings towards you and i admit that i've made an occasional
pejorative statement to that effect but biological knowledge doesn't
help me get a job in a factory and i'm not a medical student but i
know my way around a body x-rays protégés (i want it
all) cat scans diaphragms (the whole nine yards) lab coat stethoscope
i need surgery when i was young i spent my summers down the shore
near george orwell's vacation house back when carter and bicentennial
quarters were all the rage and since then (since then) i've developed
nicely don't you think? (i think so) and that's an expert opinion
biological knowledge doesn't help me get a job in a company...x-rays
protégés cat scans bed pans lab coat stethoscope biceps
triceps...biological knowledge doesn't help me get a job in a bookstore...
Press Junket
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
a sip of ginger ale and i open up like an umbrella an ironic twist
as i babble on a cappella you know that it's cool when you're hanging
out at my press junket cool and it goes to my head and you know that
it's cool i put my foot in my mouth i didn't realize that the question
was loaded a juicy anecdote and it was duly noted you know that it's
cool when your hanging out at my press junket...you heard what i said
it's gone to my head my mouth is open three mile island wide...
Proverbial Old Guy
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
just the other night (i kissed an old guy) and i don't know why i
must have been drunk (I drank a mai tai) i didn't like it that much
just the other night he bought me a drink and then he slipped me the
tongue it wasn't much fun i kissed and old guy because because because
i said that i had had because because i don't know why just the other
night and i don't know why i must have been drunk he had really bad
breath...i kissed and old guy no you didn't it was me...no you didn't
it was steve!
Silent Treatment
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
(no i don't hear a thing i'm not listening i don't hear a thing) it's
so obvious that you're avoiding me it's annoying me why do you torture
me so? i think you know why i'm mad at you why must it be a secret
giving me the silent treatment i'm gonna filibuster until you answer
me...and if you don't know why i don't know why i bother going out
with you...did i say something that offended you or did i say something
to someone else that made you embarrassed to be seen with me or maybe
it's something that i could have said or would have said or should
have said if only i had half a brain...you don't know what i'm thinking
i'm thinking was it something that i did or could have done or should
have done or would have done if i had not forgotten or something that
i acted like i didn't do but really did or wanted to but didn't do
but nonetheless i thought about it...
Speed Demon
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
high speed demon on the freeway you better stay away from me because
my engine's on fire! i scream at the top of my lungs because i only
have two gears and now the engine's on fire! hi (it's just a piece
of junk) i got side tracked (go fuck your ice cream truck) i tried
to downshift a giant smoke stack smoke and flames and rocket pops
and push ups mangled on the fan belt fudgesicles and choco tacos melting
on the carburetor...then i popped the hood a flaming wreck my goose
is cooked...
Strapped for Cash
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
and if i had a dollar for every time you told me that i was acting
very silly then i would have 127 dollars and we could spend it all
on sushi and i'm like a jumping bean pumped up on caffeine like a
thought in your head and you're such a connoisseur but you're so dirt
poor let's get naked instead you're penniless i'm penniless (let's
jump on my bed) i'm strapped for cash you're strapped for cash...and
if i had a nickel for every time you laughed at me then i would have
127 dollars and we could spend it all on sushi we'll get a second
round of uni i'm like a trampoline pumped up on caffeine...
Sugar Car
(from "The Best of Bitesize" (1999) and "Demo Numero
Uno" (1997))
my car runs on sugar my car has secret compartments (here we go!)
my car goes from zero to fifty-five in such a wonderful way hop on
in you're fetchin' take a ride in my sugar car sugar car i'm rich
and you're bitchin' take a ride in my sugar car sugar car my powerful
sugar car my car runs on sugar my car has duel twin engines my car
has a new transmission...hop inside of my vehicle be a part of the
miracle.
Surprise Ending
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
he was there for the latest foreign flick (he's a film buff) he was
always thinking with his dick (with his crew cut) he didn't recognize
her from the back of the line (he was blind) he made a comment about
her behind (it was fine) she couldn't believe that it was him but
she didn't pay any attention behind her behind her behind her behind
her who's behind her behind her behind her? she remembered how he
used to make her feel like shit (he's a turd) and now surprise! he
just stepped in it (he deserved that) he made a comment about her
rear end (he's a bum) she turned around and she laughed at him (here
it comes) she reminded him of where he used to know her from and he
started to double over...what a waste of a whole tub of popcorn raisinettes
on the floor where he dropped them and a big puddle of pepsi cola
and she didn't pay any attention...
Switch Hitter
(from "The Best of Bitesize", released in 1999)
it's the bottom of the ninth the winning run is on third and i am
bored to death standing out in left field and i would rather be sitting
in the bleachers hanging with the girl in the yellow t-shirt she smiles
like she's awaiting a curtain call waves her arms around like she
is magical i stick out of the ground like a tombstone i blew the big
play and fractured my collar bone a year from now i'll be the center
of attention (i swear my mind's made up) after i have had my sex change
operation i could look you in the eye and i could make you nervous
thinking that i look like i was 60 celsius and you could clown around
and make a couple wisecracks and i could laugh along like a broken
laugh track i'll smile like i'm awaiting a curtain call wave my arms
around like i'm magical brought back down to earth by a curve ball
i threw the all star game and shattered my clavicle...
Tarot Cards
(from "The Best of Bitesize", released in 1999)
i like vampires and she's into voodoo dolls and she likes me because
i read tarot cards and she blames me for all the bad things that happen
because i can tell the future but i keep telling her i could never
kick you in the back side no! she is a graduate student at pepperdine
and she is a water sign and i am an asshole and she was really pissed
when she flunked her thesis and she took it out on me because i read
tarot cards...i'm not like that i'm not like that!
Theme Park
(from "The Best of Bitesize", released in 1999)
it's a large parking lot let me take the wheel i've got an all day
pass and time to kill let me show you around my own theme park so
you better hold on to the handle bars and i've got confidants galore
(i have a team of lawyers) i've got a theme park and i want more more
more (theme park) there are lots of gift shops full of souvenirs and
post cardsmaps and brochures let me show you around my own theme park
we'll save the serious rides for after dark and i've got confidants
galore (a billion dollar net worth)...i think that you're great let's
go on a date here's my brochure i have a billion dollar net worth.
To Be Your Nurse
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
i just had a dream to be your nurse to be your nurse that's what i
said...you came in on a stretcher just after your attack (anything
goes!) i diagnosed you as a megalomaniac you began to relax as medicine
began to sink in i saw no reason to notify your next of kin...i asked
you if you had a living will you shook your head and i fed you another
pill i wanna be yours with a capital apostrophe S and you'll just
have to settle for second best...
Unadulterated
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
i'm an asterisk (i'm not i'm not) i'm a footnote this is not a simple
affair we are not your typical pair (i wouldn't call myself a novelist
i'll do it by the book but with a twist) i'm a scribble i'm a doodle
i am not well thought out but i will make you scream and shout (i
wouldn't call myself a carnivore for i have never been with a jock
before) and my head gets big and i lose my tongue on the roof of your
mouth and when we're done i am wracked with guilt i must be an adult
you say it's nobody's fault there's nothing wrong with fun i'm a scribble
i'm a doodle i am shaped like a question mark i am not well thought
out (i wouldn't call myself a novelist but i'm pretty good with words
if you get the gist) i'm an actress enthusiastic this is not a big
mistake let's not get caught for goodness' sake (i have been married
for fourteen years and i have never been with a cheerleader) and my
head gets big and i lose my tongue on the roof of your mouth and when
we're done i am wracked with guilt and you laugh at me 'cause i'm
a worry wart i guess i'm not that young under cover basement carpet
rug burn rug burn and my head gets big and i lose my tongue on the
roof of your mouth and after the fact i am wracked with guilt and
you laugh at me for being an adult i guess i'm not that young...
Understudy
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
this must be a test maybe they are onto me it's not the way i look
my clip on tie and button shirt are all by the book i dot my i's and
cross my t's and if i cross the line i'm just rehearsing my part if
i'm ophelia then i will put the shake in shakespeare i get to go mad
reviving ophelia and i will put the ham in hamlet i get to go mad
it's more than a supporting role in a play that's being put on by
an all boy's catholic school it's cool because i get to go mad this
must be a test every eye is watching me will this be permanent press
for my arch diocese my religion class is all but failing me maybe
it's a sign i'm just rehearsing my lines...and i will put the dame
in danish...there's a method to my madness i'm not just acting out
there's a madness to my method i'm not pretending now there's a method
to my madness i'm not just acting out they say practice makes perfect
and i'm rehearsing my lines...i don't want to be the understudy i
want to go mad!
X-mas
(from "Sophomore Slump", released in 2001)
it's just a four course meal it's no big deal it only took a day and
a half to prepare and just before the soup the startling truth are
you ready for an eighth grader's take on grace if there's one thing
i learned in algebra i'm pretty sure that X can stand for anything
X can stand for anything! and after my speech i sat in my chair and
everybody acted oh so laissez faire they were so polite feigning appetite
but i wouldn't be surprised if they were thinking that christ should
clobber me for replacing his name with an X can stand for anything...did
i burst your bubble now i'm in trouble i am just an insect in your
water bottle sit there in silence and listen to nonsense or make a
mess under a microscope!
Yellow Belt
(from "The Best of Bitesize", released in 1999)
you're meaner than you're suppose to be my temper is getting slippery
you best get out of in front of me or else i'll have to karate you
and you know that i'm phenomenal i'll kick you in the abdominal cavity
and then i'm gonna do my side kick and then my ice pick move i'll
come down on you like you know what i have a license to kick your
butt i have a yellow belt i'm gonna fuck you up i am the shit and
you're a shit and i'm a force to be reckoned with and if you think
you're to smart for me i'll kick you in the patooty and you know that
i'm phenomenal...
