Sophomore Slump

brought to you by the kind folks at

Released in September 2001
Packing Heat! Records
Recorded and mixed by John Croslin

Our most recent record! After making our debut CD a pseudo-greatest hits collection, we simply could not resist naming our full-length follow-up "Sophomore Slump". Twenty Bitesize favorites clocking in just under 39 minutes! Listen to mp3s of the following tunes:

We recorded the CD at Tiny Telephone Studio in San Francisco. Here are some actual studio photos from December 2000, when we did most of the recording...

here is leslie trying to psyche herself up for her next bass part.
steve does his best impersonation of stewart copeland on the inside cover of zenyatta mondatta
here is julia back when she was tom. she is apparently oblivious to how silly her face looks when she sings.
here is john "cros" croslin - he recorded us! we'd like to think that he is smiling because we are so much fun to work with. he seemed to appreciate us teaching him all about the norwegian black metal scene of the early nineties...
here is a picture of five inanimate objects. the piece of paper is the songlist that we used to make sure we didn't forget what songs we were going to do. the bevarage containers represent the vast array of different liquids that julia consumed over the course of one day in the studio.

here are the lyrics to all the songs on the CD:

Surprise Ending
he was there for the latest foreign flick (he's a film buff) he was always thinking with his dick (with his crew cut) he didn't recognize her from the back of the line (he was blind) he made a comment about her behind (it was fine) she couldn't believe that it was him but she didn't pay any attention behind her behind her behind her behind her who's behind her behind her behind her? she remembered how he used to make her feel like shit (he's a turd) and now surprise! he just stepped in it (he deserved that) he made a comment about her rear end (he's a bum) she turned around and she laughed at him (here it comes) she reminded him of where he used to know her from and he started to double over...what a waste of a whole tub of popcorn raisinettes on the floor where he dropped them and a big puddle of pepsi cola and she didn't pay any attention...

this must be a test maybe they are onto me it's not the way i look my clip on tie and button shirt are all by the book i dot my i's and cross my t's and if i cross the line i'm just rehearsing my part if i'm ophelia then i will put the shake in shakespeare i get to go mad reviving ophelia and i will put the ham in hamlet i get to go mad it's more than a supporting role in a play that's being put on by an all boy's catholic school it's cool because i get to go mad this must be a test every eye is watching me will this be permanent press for my arch diocese my religion class is all but failing me maybe it's a sign i'm just rehearsing my lines...and i will put the dame in danish...there's a method to my madness i'm not just acting out there's a madness to my method i'm not pretending now there's a method to my madness i'm not just acting out they say practice makes perfect and i'm rehearsing my lines...i don't want to be the understudy i want to go mad!

Bed and Breakfast
let's get to business because nothing is as awkward as small talk (i'm not made of margarine) you were pretty thorough but you didn't let me in on the subplot (i didn't know how to say no) and then you kind of mumbled, i'm paraphrasing now, but it was something like (you can't fight city hall) love's a one way road but it goes both ways when you break the law (it doesn't make sense but) but i'm not made of butter good cop bad cop stereotype top i could have you tossed into jail if i wanted to i'm not made of butter baby and you would get 35 cents for a phone call turn the tables i'm not weak (i'm on my knees but) i'm not weak in the knees i know what's in store it's a formula worthy of a sequel (i'm not made of margarine) i may be a bottom but i wanna be treated as an equal (i think that it's curtains for you) you can't buy love with a three egg omelet and a dose of juice (let's make a toast to me) i'm gonna write my congressman and maybe she can pass a law about you...there aren't enough bail bonds to get you out of this one...

Father Figure
i've waited all of my life for this moment and you had to ruin it a spy at the oakland coliseum you're sneaking around like a common tarantula disguised as a guy in a concert t-shirt just two rows ahead of me does that make me paranoid no i don't want to lose my cool and you're so heavy heavy heavy metal and i scream (i am not raving mad) like ozzy (you're not my heavy metal dad) don't water me down i am not down! crazy, but that's how it goes when a familiar figure pumps his fist in the air like a two hundred pound stalk of asparagus it's quite hilarious but i'm too embarrassed to laugh and when they ask "is that your dad?" i'll have to say "no, he kind of looks like him, though"...heavy metalhead you're not my dad!

and i showed up at your door with my superego and you took a look at my portfolio and then you got mad when i had said that i had had narcoleptic feelings towards you and i admit that i've made an occasional pejorative statement to that effect but biological knowledge doesn't help me get a job in a factory and i'm not a medical student but i know my way around a body x-rays protégés (i want it all) cat scans diaphragms (the whole nine yards) lab coat stethoscope i need surgery when i was young i spent my summers down the shore near george orwell's vacation house back when carter and bicentennial quarters were all the rage and since then (since then) i've developed nicely don't you think? (i think so) and that's an expert opinion biological knowledge doesn't help me get a job in a company...x-rays protégés cat scans bed pans lab coat stethoscope biceps triceps...biological knowledge doesn't help me get a job in a bookstore...

the Bee's Knees
spilled on red creek cobblestone ('cause my knees 'cause my knees hurt knees hurt) 15 seconds alone oh you said that i'm ok the most coolest thing that i ever heard someone say devon almost smiled at me today you saw me tear my favorite pants you said i'm fine and i said thanks oh i'm so olive green and you're the coolest thing that i've ever seen...oh we're far beyond the "hi how are you"s we're almost one in biker shorts shoulder straps water bottles duffel bags because my knees hurt...

BathTub Orgasm
i see you all the time you work at the record store i get my seven inches there and i can't help but stare i pay with pennies so i can spend some time with you i leave so many hints you're so oblivious or maybe you're just speechless you ain't seen nothing yet b-b-b-baby you'll be stuttering when i get wet and every time i speak it's like david mamet punched you in the stomach 'cause anything can happen in the bathroom don't forget to lock the door you can be my BTO and i'll just be the weirdo at your store you can get me water logged and i'll just keep on screaming out for more you can be my BTO and i'll just be the weirdo at your store you are my favorite mime down at the record store behind the cash register you won't offer me help you're so oblivious you're taking care of business yeah, i'll take care of myself ready or not i will take things into my own hands and i'll let it ride put it overdrive and you'll be working overtime and every time i speak it's just like hal hartley kicked you in the kidneys...i left you an erotic note it's in miscellaneous F hidden in the inner sleeve of hocus pocus by don't talk to much!

i'm an asterisk (i'm not i'm not) i'm a footnote this is not a simple affair we are not your typical pair (i wouldn't call myself a novelist i'll do it by the book but with a twist) i'm a scribble i'm a doodle i am not well thought out but i will make you scream and shout (i wouldn't call myself a carnivore for i have never been with a jock before) and my head gets big and i lose my tongue on the roof of your mouth and when we're done i am wracked with guilt i must be an adult you say it's nobody's fault there's nothing wrong with fun i'm a scribble i'm a doodle i am shaped like a question mark i am not well thought out (i wouldn't call myself a novelist but i'm pretty good with words if you get the gist) i'm an actress enthusiastic this is not a big mistake let's not get caught for goodness' sake (i have been married for fourteen years and i have never been with a cheerleader) and my head gets big and i lose my tongue on the roof of your mouth and when we're done i am wracked with guilt and you laugh at me 'cause i'm a worry wart i guess i'm not that young under cover basement carpet rug burn rug burn and my head gets big and i lose my tongue on the roof of your mouth and after the fact i am wracked with guilt and you laugh at me for being an adult i guess i'm not that young...

Greta Garbo
you look like greta garbo i want to kiss your elbow you look like greta garbo i'm no john gilbert but i could play his part and i could be your leading man or your supporting actor friend or i could be the camera man or maybe even your stage hand you look like greta garbo i want to kiss your elbow you're elbows are akimbo i'll keep this simple and love you from could be my margaret thatcher and i'll be your pinochet you can loan my lots of money if i promise to behave...

Chicken Shit
you're such a hypocrite and i feel like an idiot a note in an envelope and i took you for your word and now i am really pissed and you're on my shit list a foul and a first hand account of a terrorist and a flirt you're all blue blood just like a spoiled child and one year from now this haiku will be all that is left of you for one half an hour you'll be a satellite and three years from now you'll still be at nadine's wedding shower and now i know all the dirt and you are like sun burn sold out i'm a blabber mouth tell your dim wit terrorist that i'm so legitimate and you're just a chicken shit cut up by all of the shards of your broken promises you slept with the guy with the side effects you're all chewed up just like a piece of gum and one year from now this cartoon will be all that is left of you for one half an hour you'll be a satellite and four years from now you'll still be at nadine's baby shower and you will mark my words you're so inconsiderate a bona fide hypocrite and you're just a chicken shit!

Speed Demon
high speed demon on the freeway you better stay away from me because my engine's on fire! i scream at the top of my lungs because i only have two gears and now the engine's on fire! hi (it's just a piece of junk) i got side tracked (go fuck your ice cream truck) i tried to downshift a giant smoke stack smoke and flames and rocket pops and push ups mangled on the fan belt fudgesicles and choco tacos melting on the carburetor...then i popped the hood a flaming wreck my goose is cooked...

Pet X
don't tell me that you have an alibi a helpless shellfish is no match for you i hope you're happy now that your belly's full my new friend has seven tentacles i know that your brain is the size of a walnut but you know better than to get caught i know that your fuse is as short as a crew cut but jealousy does not become you i don't see why you're so set on revenge the two of you are like apples and oranges my new tank is not an obstacle my new pet is no longer an octopus...

it's just a four course meal it's no big deal it only took a day and a half to prepare and just before the soup the startling truth are you ready for an eighth grader's take on grace if there's one thing i learned in algebra i'm pretty sure that X can stand for anything X can stand for anything! and after my speech i sat in my chair and everybody acted oh so laissez faire they were so polite feigning appetite but i wouldn't be surprised if they were thinking that christ should clobber me for replacing his name with an X can stand for anything...did i burst your bubble now i'm in trouble i am just an insect in your water bottle sit there in silence and listen to nonsense or make a mess under a microscope!

i swear to god that i'm okay please tell the nurses to go away did i let you down (flyboy can you save me) i'm sorry i can't help you now because i tripped and fell and now i'm stuck here in the hospital (where did you go?) i'll play a game of solitaire i used to be synonymous with air...i'll watch a little daytime tv and then it's lunch at 12:30 and then i'll read a magazine and then it's dinner at 5:30 and my arch enemies have gone awry two million people will probably die and none of the doctors seem to give a fuck and me i'm stuck in the hospital...

Press Junket
a sip of ginger ale and i open up like an umbrella an ironic twist as i babble on a cappella you know that it's cool when you're hanging out at my press junket cool and it goes to my head and you know that it's cool i put my foot in my mouth i didn't realize that the question was loaded a juicy anecdote and it was duly noted you know that it's cool when your hanging out at my press heard what i said it's gone to my head my mouth is open three mile island wide...

To Be Your Nurse
i just had a dream to be your nurse to be your nurse that's what i came in on a stretcher just after your attack (anything goes!) i diagnosed you as a megalomaniac you began to relax as medicine began to sink in i saw no reason to notify your next of kin...i asked you if you had a living will you shook your head and i fed you another pill i wanna be yours with a capital apostrophe S and you'll just have to settle for second best...

Double Knots
i'm as stiff as a bullet proof vest (it's a quarter after eight) i sit at the bar like i'm sitting at a desk (i’m on time and you are late) perhaps i'll bury my face in a book (it is sixteen after eight) but that might make me look like a crook (we're just friends it's not a date) i double knot my laces and double check my locks and i always set my wrist watch seven minutes fast i double check my locks and i double knot my sneakers and i set all my time pieces seven minutes fast perhaps a sip of alcohol (it is eighteen after eight) maybe that might calm me down (you are fashionably late) i think i'll order a jack and coke (it is nineteen after eight) but that might make me look like a crook (we're just friends it's not a date) stomach's in double knots oh no it's not we're just friends it's not a's twenty after eight you are very very late how much longer do i wait because i'm halfway done my drink and i'm halfway done my book and i wait and i look like a crook!

Silent Treatment
(no i don't hear a thing i'm not listening i don't hear a thing) it's so obvious that you're avoiding me it's annoying me why do you torture me so? i think you know why i'm mad at you why must it be a secret giving me the silent treatment i'm gonna filibuster until you answer me...and if you don't know why i don't know why i bother going out with you...did i say something that offended you or did i say something to someone else that made you embarrassed to be seen with me or maybe it's something that i could have said or would have said or should have said if only i had half a don't know what i'm thinking i'm thinking was it something that i did or could have done or should have done or would have done if i had not forgotten or something that i acted like i didn't do but really did or wanted to but didn't do but nonetheless i thought about it...

Proverbial Old Guy
just the other night (i kissed an old guy) and i don't know why i must have been drunk (I drank a mai tai) i didn't like it that much just the other night he bought me a drink and then he slipped me the tongue it wasn't much fun i kissed and old guy because because because i said that i had had because because i don't know why just the other night and i don't know why i must have been drunk he had really bad breath...i kissed and old guy no you didn't it was you didn't it was steve!

Strapped for Cash
and if i had a dollar for every time you told me that i was acting very silly then i would have 127 dollars and we could spend it all on sushi and i'm like a jumping bean pumped up on caffeine like a thought in your head and you're such a connoisseur but you're so dirt poor let's get naked instead you're penniless i'm penniless (let's jump on my bed) i'm strapped for cash you're strapped for cash...and if i had a nickel for every time you laughed at me then i would have 127 dollars and we could spend it all on sushi we'll get a second round of uni i'm like a trampoline pumped up on caffeine...

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